I don’t want this blog to be all negative, so I’ll be posting positive things as well. The mix of both is what makes my relationship with my Dad so difficult and painful for me. I know there’s good in him, and a lot of it. But there’s also a lot of really ugly, destructive, massively hurtful behavior. This blog is about me struggling with the dichotomy between the two.

My father had an amazing career in the Army. He served 30 years and retired as a full Colonel. And he wasn’t just any ol’ soldier. He was the cream of the crop. Special Forces, Green Beret. The best of the best. After he retired, he spent another 20+ years contracting with various US federal government agencies, doing overseas work that former Green Berets do.

I’m insanely proud of my father for all of that. He devoted his life to our country. He served in Vietnam and earned a Bronze Star for valor. He has spent probably half of his career deployed all over the world. He is the real deal. Someone that I would love nothing more than to support, cheer on, and parade around as a proud family member.

These days, my Dad teaches English as a Second Language to Mexican immigrants, many of whom are undocumented (his characterization). This is just one of so many paradoxes in my father. He spends hours every week teaching ESL to undocumented immigrants. At the same time, he shares nasty political content on Facebook about undocumented immigrants. My dad has a number of paradoxes like this that I cannot figure out. If he really cares for and respects his ESL students, why does he put nasty content out about about immigrants? And if he really feels that way about immigrants, why spend hours a week volunteering to teach ESL? I can’t make sense of it.

Beyond that, my father is also an adoptive father. His own daughter was an undocumented immigrant from Central America at one point in time (many years ago). In this context in particular, the mean-spirited anti-immigrant content that my father puts out to the world is so hard to understand.

My dad is also an educated man with a master’s degree from a top-ranked university. This is another paradox about him. He is an educated person and his career and life benefited greatly from that education. On Facebook, however, he often posts content that is mocking and demeaning of higher education and of college students.

The split messaging is a big part of why I struggle so much in my relationship with him. He’s very much of a “do as I say, not as I do” person. It’s impossible to discern his true beliefs and values, and thus, very hard to trust someone like this.

More tomorrow.

XO,

Jane